INTERGALACTIC DATE: 03[REDACTED]0001
As the only current field agent and high queen of this galaxy, as usual I begin every report with a request for more personnel to assist in investigations. I have included yet another formal request alongside this report as well, with all the proper forms per the Bureau's standard policy, and I realize that this is the newest galaxy to be added to the Bureau but for Qiop's sake at least give me someone better than Tony. I have read that you humans from the Milky Way had evolved from apes, which were supposedly some ancient simian species, but I don't actually think that Tony has evolved and you sent an actual ape to chauffeur me around. I do not believe that he is actually "one of the best that our galaxy has to offer" as you had promised me, and if he is I think I may need to rethink everything that I have agreed upon in signing my galaxy up for the Bureau.
As has been mentioned in other documents, my galaxy is supposed to be free of life except for me. The Bureau continues to doubt my assessment and continues to send automated drones that scan my galaxy for anomalies and life signs rather than sending me actual help to follow up on the anomalies and supposed "life signs" that the drones have already found. Tony arrived at the previous anomaly I had just finished investigating to fly me to the next one. I appreciate that Tony tries, mind you, but he does not try hard enough. The Bureau had requested that I create a full language profile of my native tongue since my galaxy and I are considered Strange in and of ourselves, and Tony has been trying to study it for reasons unknown to me as this language is more than sufficient to communicate. Upon entering the cockpit of the vehicle, Tony turned to me and said in an extremely broken version of my tongue what can be directly translated to "Hail Queen, seat buckle. I this b[Explitive Deleted]h make fast". I hardly had time to sit down before the the ship took off, and Tony began to let out some horrid cackle as we accelerated quickly through my beautiful galaxy. I understand that he's at least trying but please tell him to try harder! I'm going to begin harboring my Princess Pod soon, I don't want to have my legacy ruined by some baboon bashing me into the side of the vehicle during take off!
To add to the insult that is Tony's so-called "flying", I hardly had time to buckle myself to the seat before I had to unbuckle for departure! I tried to make Tony do it, but he refused saying he just couldn't make it back there! I know he talks about that leg thing or whatever, but that's what the chair with wheels is for right? He could have rolled back and undid the seatbelt, for Qiop's sake I'm the Queen and Ruler of this galaxy and the Bureau operates here at my discretion! After painstakingly removing the buckle from my seat myself, I slithered to the exit hatch to investigate the anomaly that the drones identified. The small planetoid had an atmosphere comparable to my homeworld, but much too cold for my personal preference. The only noteworthy feature of the planetoid is the view of the nearby stellar gas formation, the name of which when translated from my native tongue would equate to "dumb useless gas thing", so the planetoid was truly not noteworthy at all. I swear all the drones that the Bureau has sent are useless. I did investigate further per the Bureau's protocol, and I found something at the site indicated by the drones.
The "something" was much more mundane than the drones indicated. I did not recognize it, but the item was of a size that I could pick it up with one of my tentacles. I used all that fancy equipment the Bureau sent along with Tony to scan for further samples, but nothing else was in the vicinity that the scanners could find. Against all my best wishes, I further followed the protocol dictated by the Bureau and asked Tony to confirm with the scanners on his "vehicle". The scan took far longer than it should and Tony should be reprimanded for making the Queen of this galaxy wait. Eventually, Tony finally landed and I was able to board the death machine that the Bureau provided alongside the awful driver. Upon entering the vessel Tony asked to see what I had picked it up. I showed him, and it peaked his interest. He asked for it politely, completely unexpected from his normal savage behavior. I handed it over, and he gave it a thoroughly look as he recognized it. His report is attached below, and I believe he also sent the item to the Bureau but transport does take quite long.
Signed,
Queen Qiop Qiop Qiop, Latest of her name, Ruler of the Galaxy
[Addition from Field Technician Antonio Rodriguez]
When the Queenie slugged her way back on board I instantly recognized the item she found. Somehow, the drones managed to find a little relic from good Old Earth way out here. I'm requesting further analysis on how it made it all the way over here, but Queenie brought a classic Video Cassette Recorder and Digital Video Disk Player combo machine. The poor thing was beat and smashed, and there was a cassette tape stuck in the receiving port. I serviced it as best I could and actually got it running and hooked up to a display. I couldn't get the cassette to run, but there was a Digital Video Disk in the drive also, some flick called "Manos", I had never heard of it but I thought it was all right. That Torgo fella was such a character. I've sent the device and tape back to the Bureau for further review.
[Message from Administrator Glames]
Queen Qiop Qiop Qiop, please stop using formal Bureau reports to shame your colleagues. It doesn't look good on anyone, especially when it's every report. We get it, Antonio needs some work, we will get you more help soon.
[ADDENDUM FROM QUEEN QIOP QIOP QIOP]
SOON IS NOT SOON ENOUGH.
SIGNED,
QUEEN QIOP QIOP QIOP, LATEST OF HER NAME, RULER OF THE GALAXY
